[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
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Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.