[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
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“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.