HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.