A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
6. me as a lawyer
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
🤣