[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
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I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.