[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.