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@HansGrubertron: [First ever date]
ME: I just didn't feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
@RhinoUR: I'm Godzilla's gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*
@spekulation: My phone corrects "haha" to "hahaha", so all my friends think they're 50% funnier than they actually are.
@Book_Krazy: Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn't piss anyone off.
@kumailn: Be great if just once the winning actor was like "I mean it wasn't a particularly strong group this year, but still."
@RevReee: I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.