FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.