@seamussaid: FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in.... another piece of paper
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@JeremyBRoberts: I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.
@samalmightysam: Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
@evidentlyblonde: When people ask me "plz" because its shorter than "please".. I just tell them "no" because its shorter than "yes."
@Shot_Of_Cabo: [ phone call ] Wife: You want the white 7" or the black 9". Me: The black 9". ..and if she wasn't tablet shopping this would be awkward.