@seamussaid: FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in.... another piece of paper
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@FatherWithTwins: My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we'll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
@ArfMeasures: ME: The mugger...he called himself "Antman" SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper* ME [shaking] omg that's him!
@fillthevacuum: Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
@mynameisntdave: I can't wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn't have to deal with it.