[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
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Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.