FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
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*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Wait a second…
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?