I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
You Might Also Like
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Baller is short for ballerina