First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.