First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
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I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I’m about to risk it all
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!