First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
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what the
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Accurate
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.