72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
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My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
❤️🦆
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it