“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
the best thing i’ve ever made
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
boat question
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto