First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
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11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Everyone’s family
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
My favorite female superhero
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned