@truegritrumble: FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies' shirts!
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@abbycohenwl: Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby? Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
@Birdhumms: "Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead" she hexed.
@Cheeseboy22: Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: "their", meaning "belongs to them." Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
@farleftcoast: A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.