First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
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I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.