First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
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“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Still my favourite meme.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.