First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics