I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
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I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
2022 will be better than 2021
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg