First rule of flight club…no penguins.
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I’ve been learning to cook.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.