My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
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Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…