The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
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Seismologists are loyal to a fault
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas