[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
How is it still this week?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward