@moiragallaga: First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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@LosLos__: HR: You said: You're "moist" welcome? Me: Autocorrect. HR: You're fine. Me: Sweet! HR: I meant: you're fired. Autocorrect.
@dubstep4dads: man...im so hungry i could- *i catch eye contact with a horse* "you could what?" *shows his gun* i could.. eat a sandwich "thought so."
@FatherWithTwins: *young woman walks by Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don't you think? Me: NO WAY, I'M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
@ashmensch: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.