@moiragallaga: First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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@LurkAtHomeMom: *checks WebMD* Holy crap, I need an ambulance! *checks insurance deductible* Nevermind, I'll just take a vitamin or something.
@daemonic3: [interview] "Any special talents?" I can unlock any fingerprint reader "By hacking?" [flashes back to hacking off victims' fingers] Yes
@davepell: 95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now. Overall productivity level remains steady.
@MakesYouGiggle: Dear people with resolutions, Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.