First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
podcasts
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
me refusing to leave twitter
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.