@drhappyknuckles: First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
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@Reverend_Scott: [Starbucks] Excuse me, this isn't what I ordered. "You ordered a Grande." Yes, but this is Ariana Grande. "Sir, please just take her."
@primawesome: A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What's the rest of her day like?
@AndyAsAdjective: [spelling bee] your word is 'hor d'oeuvre' "can you use it in a sentence?" yes…'I bet this kid can't spell hor d'oeuvre'