When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials