@drhappyknuckles: First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
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@briangaar: If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath
@thagr8short1: Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
@SCbchbum: One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
@HellisWorthit: I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.