First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
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Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
That’s fair