The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”