My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
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You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.