FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
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Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
this is me
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!