*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.