{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.