[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
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They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I am never leaving this website
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.