You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.