First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.