Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
You Might Also Like
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Still a very good boi….
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
The old gods are rising again.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.