I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Who did it better?
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Okay me first
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*