Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
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Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
two people or more is called a problem
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
how to have an accident 101
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that