Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Ah..makes sense now
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart