Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
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To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.