FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
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Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
That’s what I call a flat tire
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Just a phase…
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?