Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
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I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.