Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
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i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
next question.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”