FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
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An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Not all heroes wear capes….
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
The Birdles
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.