Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
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If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If you know, you know
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.