Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.