@UnFitz: Five Secrets of Successful People:
@batkaren: KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
@maratasin: The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.
@highwayhooligan: I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
@amore_orless: Social media's ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it "Mood"
@ThaJawn: Cop: Second time this week
Me: I thought I could be brave
C: Yeah I know, this slide is pretty high for you, now just take my hand