Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”