@ashleyfeinberg: fixed it
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@Gen22: McDonald's burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
@ConcernedSirGuy: People are like, "How cute! Your dog looks just like you!" I'm like, "That's my son."
@shahnischmani: Just heard a lady say she's been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, "doesn't your family miss you?"