fixed it
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Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
very niche meme I made
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.