Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
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when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.